Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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