Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
