ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
