What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
