he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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