Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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