96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
