It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
