i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
