You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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