I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
