I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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