She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
