How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
