ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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