What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
