I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
