proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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