Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
