I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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