I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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