wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
