i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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