i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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