I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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