Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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