I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
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i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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