i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
