I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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