I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
