Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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