the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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