apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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