so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
