I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
