but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
