Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
