best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
