just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
