I'm so fucking centered right now
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
