1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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