I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
