I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
