I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
