Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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