She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
