My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
