found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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