dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
