The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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