Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
