Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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