I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
