Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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