dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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